Pippin's diary
by Axis of Equinox
Summary: Pippin's record of the events of his travels from The Long Expected party to the end of ROTK
1. Hobbitton to Moria

Entry 1 I have decided to start a diary for no particular reason whatsoever. It will most likely be very boring because NOTHING EVER HAPPENS in my life, but it will kill some time, anyway.  
  
Entry 2 Bilbo's birthday party to-day. Awesome, especially when Merry and I set off dragon firework. But then, Gandalf caught us and we had to wash dishes. Darn Gandalf.  
  
Entry 3 Bilbo has left the Shire for good. He has left his entire estate to Frodo, and the Sackville-Bagginses have been on his case about it ever since. Can't say a civil word to him! Merry and I have planned revenge, though. We decided to follow Lotho home from the pub one night and slosh him with ice water. Will be great fun and I hope it works out.  
  
Entry 4 Ran into Frodo and Sam, to-day. Literally. Rammed into them when fleeing Farmer Maggot (I won't go into THAT episode, it's a long story, but let's just say this guy has some issues). Fell down cliff- Not fun; however, just avoided some poop, VERY good. Frodo and Sam claim they're on some sort of quest. Whatever. Had to flee for life from riders in black and hurl self onto ferry. Made rather a fool of myself when Merry told me to untie the ropes and I didn't know how. Stupid Merry.  
  
Entry 5 Traveled to a place called Bree. Rather rough spot. Have discovered a wonderful thing called pints (two glasses of ale in one) though, so don't really mind it. Apparently Gandalf was supposed to meet us here, but he still hasn't shown up. I suggested that he's probably going to stand us up, but everyone just told me to shutup. Hmph, fine then, they can wait here forever, see if I care. Some outlaw who calls himself "Strider" kidnapped Frodo and carried him off. Sam made us go and save him, although it turned out he didn't need saving. Get over it Sam, Frodo is not a baby, he can take care of himself. Besides, I wouldn't have minded too much if Frodo had gotten bumped off, as he is a bit of a wet blanket.  
  
Entry 6 I was RIGHT! HA! Gandalf DIDN'T come! Now, don't get me wrong, I am NOT pleased about this, especially because now STRIDER is going to lead us to Weathertop, which was apparently site B for Gandalf-meeting.  
  
Entry 7 Bloody ranger! First he walks in and takes over the outfit, and then he limits meals! And as if that isn't enough, he dragged us through a bloody swamp in the autumn! am beginning to contemplate mutiny.  
  
Entry 8 Have interesting news for once. Last night, went to a largish hill which Frodo called "Weathertop" and Strider called Amon something or other, I wasn't really listening, and got attacked by the Black Riders. Notice the plural. Apparently, there's more than one. In fact, there are NINE. Talk about unfair. Anyway, Frodo got himself stabbed by one of them and has started to act strange. There's something wrong with him, I think. Well, aside from the fact that he got a sword put through his shoulder, I mean. Strider is trying to make it to Rivendell, even though it is six days from here and it is quite obvious to anyone who has an ounce more brains then a cuckoo clock that Frodo is not going to make it that far.  
  
Entry 9 We have still not reached Rivendell. Frodo is no longer with us though, cuz this beautiful elf woman came on a white horse and carried him off. Traditional, although it's usually the male who rides in and does the rescuing and the girl who gets carried off. Oh well, this whole trip hasn't been exactly convetional.  
  
Entry 10 We are now at Rivendell. Frodo woke up late this morning. Everyone is surprised he lived due to what is called "morgul poison" that was on the sword. Apparently, this causes you to transcend into the middle stage between hobbit and corpse and ride around on black horses in matching black cloaks. Anyway, Rivendell is a jolly place and I hope we stay here for quite a while. There are no pints here, but I'm willing to rough it for a while.  
  
Entry 11 Elrond had a "secret" council today, but Merry and I weren't invited. We snuck in anyway, though, and listened in. lots of it I didn't get. Insisted upon joining quest thingy after Sam made a hero of himself by playing the noble pal. Will be joined by several other barrels of fun, known as Boromir, Gimli, and Legolas. Oh, and Gandalf FINALLY showed up (about time too) and will also be joining us. Oh, and unfortunately Strider will be joining our little party also, although his name is not Strider, it is Aragorn. He is apparently some big king guy. Cha, yeah right! Also found out he likes Arwen (the elfin lass who came and rescued Frodo). Bwaha, I shall have to remember this for blackmail opportunities later.  
  
Entry 12 Have started quest and are making our way toward the mountains. A rather sorry group I'm traveling with too. Too bad Arwen didn't come. I rather like Legolas. He is very cool and mysterious, but I wish he wouldn't call me "Little one". I might be forced to pop him one in the near future if he continues this habit. Also, his hair is too blond. He needs to darken it a few shades. He's just not getting the "rugged hunter" look. Boromir has been teaching Merry and I sword fighting. Geez, it's a good thing Merry had me here to protect him, or else he'd be in serious trouble. He fights like a girl! Oh well, he'll learn eventually. Anyway, going back to my earlier statement of what a sorry group I'm stuck with; we had to make an undignified scramble for cover when some largish black crows flew over head. What a bunch of ninnies I'm traveling with! Afraid of some bloody birds! Cheesh.  
  
Entry 13 Reached the mountain today. Not much has happened. Oh, wait, Frodo took a tumble down the mountain and dropped the ring. Boromir picked it up and was kinda admiring it, and Strider practically bit his head off! Stupid Strider. I think of an incredibly annoying nickname for Strider... um... how about... Stridy! No, not good enough.... Stridy POO!! YES!! I'm a GENIUS! Okay then, STRIDY POO it is!  
  
Entry 14 Weather on the mountain getting increasingly nasty as we go further up. Boromir had to carry Merry and me because we were too short and would have been completely underneath the snow. That's how bad the weather is. However, Legolas was walking ON TOP of the snow, and rather gloating about it. We were all wading through it like dogs. Think I shall have to think of nasty nickname for Legolas. Naw, maybe not. Just the thought of that bow over his shoulder is enough to stem my creativity.  
  
Entry 15 Finally got to turn back off of the mountain! Good thing to because the whole thing was beginning to come down. At one point actually, we were all completely buried. Legolas popped right out of the snow. Very impressive. Elf skills very lucky thing to posses, must get me some.  
  
Entry 16 I found out we are going to the "Mines of Moria" Why am I always the last one to find out about everything? Gandalf does not seem too eager, and Legolas is downright pissed. Apparently, elves do not like mines. Well, I probably won't either, if it's how Legolas describes it.  
  
Entry 17 Things don't seem to be warming up much. I'm shivering right now. It might help if we had a FIRE, but all high and mighty Stridy-poo has forbidden it. Said some rot about not revealing our position. We have come in sight of what Gimli calls "The Walls of Moria". Big whoop. They look like black cliffs to me.  
  
Entry 18 Lots to write about in such a small amount of time. Haven't been able to sit down long enough to write without falling asleep exhausted first. Well, as I said before, we reached the walls of Moria. We walked along them until we came to a door that glowed. I should get me one of those. Well, they were the doors into Moria, and we needed a password to open them. Gandalf didn't know the password. Ha, for once HE'S wrong! Anyway, Boromir started throwing stones into the lake and Stridy-poo practically bit his head off AGAIN. I really don't know what he is so uptight about. Like, relax Stridy, it's not the end of the world. Frodo finally discovered the password, being the bright hobbit he is (score one for the hobbits!). The doors opened and we went inside. However, we promptly exited again as the entire place was covered with dead bodies and had been taken over by orcs. Joy. However, no sooner had we gotten outside than Frodo was grabbed by a giant lake monster! After we dealt with THAT nuisance (Stridy Poo and Boromir hacked away for like, then minutes at the things legs and still couldn't seem to find the particular one holding Frodo. Pah, blatant incompetence. It was only fixed when Legolas shot the thing in the face), we found ourselves BACK in the mine, with all the dead bodies and all the orcs with the doorway collapsed behind us. It's just all fun today isn't it? well, for nearly two days now, we have been trudging through this beastly place. Well, eventually, we come to a landing with three doorways leading off it. Three doorways that Gandalf doesn't recognize. So, here we sit, in the dark, with our guide completely stumped hence no way to get out. Someone must be out to get me.  
  
Entry 19 


	2. More of Moria

AN: I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sorry I haven't updated in so long! dodges flying cows, ducks, and other barnyard animals I've just been swamped with school, honest! ducks a sheep also, I was trying out for drama club, so that took up a lot of free time. ducks a hamster woah, who threw THAT one? Anyway, here is the new chapter bows as a rooster flies overhead It consists of just one extra-long entry. I was gonna do more, but thought I better update it before I got mobbed. I hope you all enjoy it, it was much anticipated by all..... three..... of you. I promise I will try and update more often now that summer is starting! is knocked unconscious by a cow to the back of the head  
  
Entry 19 This is the first time in a long time I have been able to sit down and write. A LOT has happened. First, Gandalf figured the way out (said some malarkey about trusting your nose, pfft), then we come to this MONSTROUS room. Like, I'm talking echoey, can't-see-the-ceiling, almost-feel-as-if- you're-outside, has-to-be-supported-by-ten-foot-thick-pillars kinda huge. I've never seen anything like it. Apparently the others hadn't either, they were all very impressed. Well, all was going very nicely with us trudging through this never-ending hall when all of a sudden the blasted dwarf gives this sort of wailing sob and runs off into a side room. Business of everyone screaming in whispers after him to get back here or there will be suspicious specks in the meatloaf tonight, and when we come into the room behind him, he's kneeling in front of this block of stone, SOBBING. sheesh, a dwarf who cries at stone. Now THAT's sad. Anyway, this room is filled, as all the others are, with dead bodies of various species. Gandalf picks this book up off this dead dwarf (it may be just me, but there is something seriously wrong with that. Not just hygienically, but the thought of what strange thoughts would cause someone to randomly rob a dead carcass of its favourite bedtime story) and reads out of it. It was more than slightly disturbing (the book, not Gandalf's display of disregard to cleanliness, although that was too). It was all about this bunch of dwarves who live in this big hall and then got overrun by orcs. Very gripping, but c'mon, who would write about some fantastical rubbage like that. Wait....  
  
While Gandalf was reading, I was lingering by this rather large and attention-drawing hole. Anyway, I just happened to have some rocks on me (it's always nice to have a handy dandy rock or two lying about), so I chucked one down to see how deep the thing actually was. Bad move. There was this surprisingly large banging sound, and all of a sudden I realise everyone's staring at me. Augh, I HATE it when they do that. After a suspiciously long amount of time, the banging stopped, but Gandalf sure replaced it. He started screaming at me about how he's seen dead cows with more intelligence than me. That was very hurtful, man. And it's not very nice to have an all powerful, spell-casting wizard ticked at you, because "unfortunate" things can begin to happen.  
  
Anyhow, he got over it (after a painful episode where Stridy-poo and Legolas had to physically restrain him) and sat sulking in the corner. We all settled down for an uncomfortable night (if it actually WAS night, one never can tell in these pitch dark holes) on the ground. Leaving out the business of tossing and turning and not getting a wink of sleep, it was an uneventful nightish-time. The morning (loosely speaking of course) was much the opposite, however. We were all awoken (merely a term of course, because as I said before, none of us were sleeping) by a loudish banging noise outside the door. This seemed to alarm the other fellows quite a good deal, but of course I remained quite cool and collected. That was until the doors flung open and I laid eyes on some of the ugliest chumps I ever struck. They quite reminded me of Lotho Sackville-Baggins as a matter of fact. Well, it was quite obvious from the start they were not in genial mood, and had not come round merely for breakfast. It seems they were intent on ripping us to shreds and doing a buccan wing dance on the remains. Not a pleasant thing. Of course, these intentions did not go over well with the rest of us, and we showed them in short order that we weren't going to stand any rot of that sort. Well, it wasn't long before they brought in some back up. A largish blighter of outstanding size and ugliness, carrying a weighty looking club. It didn't take long for us to see his intentions did not differ from those of the aforementioned chumps. We all gave it our best, hacking away at the chumps and dodging the untrained efforts to jellify us by the largish blighter. It was not long however before that priceless ass Frodo botched things up. He went and got himself run through by a large harpoon lobbed by the immense blighter. This did not go over well with the rest of us -as per when the chumps revealed their intentions of shredding us- and we promptly did away with the blighter with a swift arrow to the gob, marvellously shot by Legolas, in which he was aided by us (me and Merry that is, but mostly me) in a terrific display of cunning and sword work. Well, it turned out that Frodo was not quite as full of holes as we had thought, and happened to be wearing some uncomfortably cold- looking mail which was apparently some of the best. As reinforcements for the opposite side had begun rolling in, we high-tailed it out of there. We ran and ran and ran and ran and ran for a while, all the time with the reinforcements running even faster and closing in all around us. There was considerably more of them than last time, and fairly soon we were completely surrounded. This would probably have started to get ugly, if not a strange rumbling and red light appeared at the end of the hall, scaring all the blighted reinforcements away. This was good. Source of rumbling and red light, however, apparently not so good. So, of course, we had to run some more, until we came out in another enormous cavern, except in this one, what was slightly more noticeable was that it apparently had no floor. Then we had to run some more down some stairs that were considerably to small for human (not to mention hobbit) feet. Then we had to jump across a largish gap. Well, Legolas, Gandalf, and Boromir jumped. Merry, Sam and I were hurled across like sacks of potatoes. Now, you may be wondering, why wasn't Frodo thrown across like another sack of potatoes, and who threw Stridey-poo across since he didn't jump? Allow me to solve the mystery. At this juncture, the source of the rumbling and red light who had been in hot pursuit, drew considerably closer in the time it took for us to get across that gap. He set some goodish size pebbles tumbling down from the roof, and one of them smashed the stairs to has directly above where Stridey-poo and Frodo were standing, leaving them on a precarious pinnacle (ooh, an alliteration! Cheers!).  
  
To cut a long story slightly shorter, the "precarious pinnacle" chose that moment to crumble. Only by a large amount of skill on Frodo's part, and, I grudgingly admit, a small amount of intelligence on Stridey-poos part, were the two spared a rather nasty drop. They shifted their weight so that the "precarious pinnacle" crumbled forward towards the edge we were standing on, enabling them to hurl themselves across to safety. Of course, then we had to run some more, down some more ridiculously steep stairs, and across another ridiculously narrow bridge. I really love these group outings (for those of you who don't know, that was sarcasm). It was only after the rest of us SENSIBLE people –and Stridey-poo- were across that we noticed the ass Gandalf had been left behind. He was now tete-a-tete with the fire blighter, saying something I couldn't hear. He mustn't have followed the rules of polite conversation very well, because the demon-type seemed a little peeved. Business of advancing menacingly, cracking large fiery whip. I should have known Gandalf had it under control however, because as soon as the demon-type set toenail on the bridge, it gave way from under him (the section containing Gandalf remaining perfectly intact, I might add), sending him plunging into the depths. Gandalf was turning away with a rather irritating look of self-satisfaction on his face when the demon-type, in a last act of revenge, used his whip to pull Gandalf off the bridge. There was a dramatic moment in which Gandalf grabbed the bridge and tried to pull himself up, then looked at us, said "fly you fools", and let go. Cha, he would have to make a big melodramatic exit. Of course, drama queen Frodo didn't help any either, letting out a long, dramatic, overdrawn "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Geez, these people need to get a little more serious.  
  
Then Stridey-Poo herded us all out the back door, as the orcs were trickling in again. We got outside and every started crying. I didn't though. Truly. No joke. Those wet splotches on the page are from when Merry stole my diary and read it, and they are his tears of remorse. Not mine. Anyway, we're in a rather difficult position at the moment, as Gandalf, being our guide, had not found it fit to provide the rest of us with the game plan. Of course, he hadn't known at the time the game plan was made that he was going to be bumped off at some point in the proceedings. Life's full of things like that isn't it? It's like when..... or..... okay, maybe not. Maybe I should go make some helpful suggestions to Stridey-poo as to our course of action, as apparently HE is now our guide. I'm trying very hard not to be resentful here.  
  
REVIEW ANSWERS FOR CHAPTER 1  
  
From Raven: Yes, I think we most definitely should but Pip might beat us to it!  
  
From Arwen Baggins: In answer to both your emails: Thanks for pointing that out to me. And, I hate to burst your factually correct bubble, but I don't have any sources. I kinda just wing it. So, just for you, I changed it to "entry" instead of a date. Actually, I did it for me cuz I'm too bloody lazy to change it (Dang, I love those things) Anyhow, sorry if this causes you to like me less. I just really hate looking stuff up. I write when I'm in the mood, and then I'm only in it for about half an hour, so I like to get in what I can.  
  
From Reasonably Crazy: Thank you so much for those wonderful comments, they were much appreciated I have aprox. 3 people who review me, and most of those consist either of criticism or "please update soon". And, I'm not quite sure what the INT in the middle of all those coughs was, but, sure thing! And I did check out your fics, and enjoyed them immensely! You're a very funny person and of course, all these compliments and thanks I'm giving you have nothing to do with the fact that I want you to keep reading and reviewing. I would never stoop so low.  
  
And I know how you feel about computers. All of the computers in my house recently crashed (not simultaneously, but within a year), causing me to lose much-valued information. I've often wanted to put an axe through my computer, but my parents wouldn't let me. They said if I did they'd ship me off to Tibet to be a slave until I paid it off. Oh well, I can always hope. 


End file.
